Bare with me...

You guys, whoa.

This last school year has been an interesting journey. I discovered myself, only to have my new found identity strained to nearly breaking.

First, I'd like to ask the universe: why? and then also WHY? and finally THE FUCK?

Why do people feel compelled to tell me their inner most secrets upon meeting me? What about me says that a. I want to know and b. I'm equipped to handle that information? I've always been that person that people confide in, but this is more than just relationship advice. I've heard more stories about abuse, sexual assault, bullying, suicide attempts, depression, and self harm than I can handle. I'm considering getting a degree in psychology just for self preservation. 

I am so grateful that I matured late. I didn't date in high school and didn't have sex until I was mature. I'm not religious or even believe that sex should only be between people that love each other. I'm very sex positive. I just didn't have the interest when I was younger.

Anywho, that's a little off topic. Over this last several months. I went from having my one girl, the only person I had ever dated, like liked, and slept with, to many girls (and guys).

Chapter 1: Kat

If you've read my previous entries, then you know all about Kat. THAT only got weirder. 

Guess that's as good as anywhere to start: So I left off with the two of us not talking and things were awkward. That's about how they've stayed, with a few minor differences. 

Several months after that famed night of debauchery, during a period that her and the gf, Maxie, were broken up, Maxie asked me out, oblivious that Kat and even knew each other. I said ok. We exchanged numbers. There was texting. Then there was silence. Found out later that Maxie had found out that Kat and I had 'history' (although I'd hardly call it that). 

That didn't bother me so much, seemed pretty reasonable actually. The annoying bit was that shortly there after, Kat decided she wanted me on her hook #howimetyourmother.

A friend of mine started a queer pubcrawl and Kat was one of the regular attendees. Sidenote: Maxie and Kat are back together at this point. Anywho, Kat and I barely speak. We were never able to converse easily; we have nothing in common except physical attraction. BUT, without fail, the end of every crawl she would give me a very intimate hug and leave her hand on my lower back for several seconds - very clearly saying to me 'I want you' or, as I suspect, 'I want you to want me.'

Meanwhile, the rare occasions I run into the pair of them, Maxie makes a point of avoiding my gaze and eating Kat's face emphatically.

Two thoughts: 1. Really? That was 8 months ago and 2. Awesome.. (sarcasm sign) #bigbangtheory

So that's that. 

Chapter 2: Jon

Jon wasn't anyone I dated. He's a friend of mine who gave me some very wise words when I really needed them. Jon is also who I go to when I need to stop thinking about something. Two nights, in particular, come to mind. 

Around the time of my last post, Jon and I spent the evening smoking weed and listening to Hadestown (very cool album btw). That night resulted in the loss of my gold star.

I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, in the way I'd enjoyed being with my ex, but he was certainly talented. 

About two months later, on the anniversary of my first date with my ex, I called him looking to get drunk and not think about it. Jon had a gf at the time so even though I drove over an hour at 10 at night to go see him, I didn't expect there to be any sexercising. 

It's hard, though, to resist that urge. Despite me being with gay and him having a gf, when you're cross-faded and you're with someone you know and have already had sex with, it's comfortable and easy.

So that happened. At that point, my two attempts at 'dating' (if you can call it that) since my breakup had been as the other woman.

To this day, Jon and I have never spoken of that night again.

The year was off to a banger start. 

Chapter 3: Hana and Adrianna - the single girls with boyfriends club

I have a strong appeal to straight girls, particularly those that have boyfriends. I've had many many girls come up to me and ask for tips on eating out that they can then relay to their boyfriends (I tell them to go buy the 'Lesbian Sex Handbook' and send them on their way). Is this normal? I've heard of straight girls hitting on lesbians when drunk but I get that question a lot.

I harbored pretty nasty crushes on two girls in particular. 

I liked Hana because of her confidence. She rocked pink hair when I met her, was in really good shape, and had a delicious edge I hadn't seen before. I thought for sure she was gay, but no. Didn't stop her from tormenting me for months, oy.

My delusion of her maybe one day wanting to be with me shattered today, actually. For no apparent reason, she went out of her way to avoid seeing me. I would expect that from Maxie, but Hana? My friend Ellie and I laughed as we watched her walk a hundred feet out of her way to avoid crossing my path, and to eventually settle maybe 25 ft away. Bizarre.

Adrianna is a very different story. I think she was genuinely into me. At least briefly. She's another one of those girls who unfolded her life's horrors to me in the infancy of our friendship. The more I learned, the more I realized that she had suffered just as my ex had, except Adrianna didn't have the benefit of intelligence to work through it. Luckily, she had a heart of gold. Spending time with her was wonderful, we flirted and cuddled, laying out on the grass listening to music, smoking... But she wasn't interested in more, and I knew that. I had also learned my lesson with regards to crazy... don't go there.

Chapter 4: Can I have your number?

I have gotten much better at making friends and getting dates. I love that I get to ask! I love the control of knowing how and when things are going to happen or not.

In the last two weeks, I've gotten 5 numbers and two were very interesting, plus one harsh rejection. 

#1. Andy and I met at QSU. She's cute, was clearly into me, so I thought what the hell? We got to talking after a meeting one day and ventured over the quad where Take Back the Night was occurring. (note to self: horrible place to have a first conversation)

For those of you unawares, Take Back the Night is an event to bring attention to female harassment, sexual or otherwise. They talk a lot about rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and other crimes against women. My first conversation with Andy included her revealing to me that she'd been assaulted. The universe, guys..

That aside, my feelings for Andy are nil. Conversation is labored. I don't feel physically drawn to her, even though she is cute. So I find myself in the situation of having to break it off with her for no other reason than I'm just not feeling it. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, so she may think I'm ignoring her. I do intend to talk to her; I don't want to be one of those people that just goes radio silent until the other person gets the hint. That sucks.

Rejection: I knew better. And yet, I went for it anyway. There's a girl I've seen around that I know is straight. She's nauseatingly straight. But after a beer, it seemed like a really good idea to hit on her.


I walked over. The instant our eyes locked, she gave me a look of pure disdain, like I was offending her by matching her gaze. I knew it was going to suck but I persevered. I said hi, she said hi. I said that I feel like I see her around a lot and asked if we had a class together. She said she wasn't a student. Each word, loathing. I offered my hand and introduced myself.


She thought about it. She legitimately considered ignoring the most basic of introductions, the most basic common decency. She looked at my hand, then away, then finally shook my hand and said her name was Katrina. Of course it was. So I turned and left. Didn't say bye or see ya or nice to meet you. just left. I was blown away.


#2. This second number is the one that sparked this post. The one that's thrown me for a complete loop. James, a guy - a really good looking guy, works at one of my favorite sandwich places. We'd run into each other before out at bars, so I knew his name and whatnot but we weren't familiar. 


I walked into the shop on a Wednesday in a baggy sweatshirt, no makeup, jeans covered in dirt, and all-in-all a complete mess. He asked for my number. Made my day. 


This last Saturday, he ended up joining a few friends and me at the bars by coincidence and I offered him a ride home since it was late. We ended up sitting in my car for hours just talking. It was so easy. So comfortable. He knew all the words to my favorite songs. Mentioned my favorite movie before I did. We talked about our problems with ease. Normally, my first instinct is to lie. Hide the truth about who I am. But I didn't feel the need to, didn't even occur to me. 


But I'm gay. Or at least that was the conclusion I came to recently. But here's this guy who's my perfect match. It would be so easy to be with him. Despite my orientation, I wouldn't hesitate for a second.


The universe, though, likes to fuck with me. 


He has a gf. A gf he wants to break up with, but he can't right now because they live together and the lease isn't up until September, at which time they're moving in with other friends. He was so clearly frustrated. Not wanting to hurt her by breaking up and then still being around. I am not one that falls games and acts - I could tell he was sincere. 


That left both of us. Honor bound. Incapable of acting.


There's no way for it to work. To even try. To see how I really feel about it. 


Still. I've only spent a few hours with him, and yet I feel like I've known him my whole life. 


How am I supposed to ignore that?

How am I supposed to BE?

I have an issue with the statement 'I am gay' and it isn't the word 'gay.'

Ok, it's a little bit the word 'gay,' but it's mostly the word 'am' and it's relation to 'gay.'

Here's why: I AM not anything other than myself. Why do I have to BE gay? or BE straight? or BE bi?

Why can't I just be myself and that be my identifier?

The world is so focused on labeling people and putting them in little boxes that are clearly defined and then either hating them or loving them based on those labels. We decide to hate entire groups of people just because they fit into some category that society has decided they belong to.

It goes the same for love too. People make lists of attributes that they think their perfect mate should have. S/he should be tall and athletic and smart and funny and kind and charming and have a great smile and be great with kids and want a big family etc etc etc blah blah blah. But those are all just boxes too.

If romantic comedies have taught us anything, it's that you find love when you're unprepared for it and it turns out to be the person you least expected. Why then must we each go through the exercise of needing to discover this over and over again? Do we learn nothing from each other?

People that make such lists are selling themselves short. That list, as long as it may be, is limited to what you can think of. Shouldn't love be more than that? A person limited to a list is basically saying 'this is what I'm worth, and that's it.'

They say love comes from your heart, because that's where you feel it. You feel it in your chest. In your soul. In your entire body. So why limit yourself to what you're brain can come up with?

My list now has one thing on it: Amazing.

Not boy or girl. Not body type. No characteristics. Just amazing, because that's what they will be to me.

I don't want to be loved because I fit a category. I want to be loved for myself, all of myself, and only myself. I am not limiting myself by BEING straight or gay. I AM not my hair, my clothing, my intelligence level, my bank account, or my athletic ability.

I am..... and that is far greater than any list.

Is this love?

I’ve been thinking a lot about time travel.

If I could go back, what would I change?

Sure, there are certain moments that I’d want to change.

Maybe if I’d said the right thing you wouldn’t have left.

Maybe if I’d kissed you one more time.

Maybe if I’d told you how much I cared about you.

Maybe if I’d been there for you.

But then I realized, if I could go back, I’d stop all the people who hurt you before they had the chance.

While we may not have ended up together, at least I’d know you’d be happy.

Honey Bee

Do I want to kiss you? Of course I do. More than anything. But do I need to? No.

I am content with just me. I don’t need you in my life to be happy. I can do that all on my own.

I wish you could see that. That you don’t need to use up other people’s happiness to make yourself happy. Only you can make yourself happy. 

I wish you could see how wonderful you are. Just you. I wish you could learn to love yourself, by yourself, and not define yourself by who you’re with.

I wish you could see you through my eyes. Because I think you’re the most beautiful person in the world and I want you in my life.

But do I need you there? Absolutely not.

Holy Shit

I just lost my gold star. I don't know how I feel about it yet.

It's all about the process

I've been waiting for something to happen so that I could write a new post, but unfortunately my summer of shenanigans has simmered out - at least as of now (although I'm told that these things come in cycles).

Anywho, I had my first encounter with Kat and mini conversation since her party. We walked past each other on the street and I pet her new puppy and it was completely civil. That was it.

BUT SERIOUSLY Y'ALL there was way too much cuteness in that 10 seconds for me to handle.

Hokai. Kat still has a gf, so I feel guilty about wanting Kat to be single so that I can start dating her because then gf would be sad. Except I don't really feel guilty, I just feel like I should so I keep saying it. I imagine I would feel guilty or at least bad if Kat dumped gf for me, but emotions are a tricky thing to predict.

My shrink says I'm emotionally numb. Apparently rationalizing emotion isn't the same as feeling it - only just learned that recently.

IF I don't feel bad about hurting the gf, and I'm only just saying that because I'm told I should feel guilty about it, THEN why don't I just go after Kat?

Two Reasons: 1. That kind of turmoil is a horrible way to start a relationship. 2. If I can successfully seduce her away from her gf, who's to say she can't be seduced away from me?

So that matter is pretty much settled. I do nothing until Kat is single, BUT I would still like to be her friend but we aren't talking still so that's a problem.

MOVING ON.

I moved back up to school to take a summer class and I'm finding it incredibly difficult being here because I know my ex is here and still seeing my ex friend and it still makes me nauseous to think about. Tuesday was a particularly difficult day. For some reason I couldn't get her out of my head and I almost burst out in tears like 5 times. Then I felt completely ridiculous because it's been 4 months and we only dated for (2.5 months by her count, 4 by mine) and I didn't love her and the sex was bad BUT SHE WONT GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Getting treated that way after the break up was so not worth the relationship. I don't regret it, I've learned a lot, but I wish my first relationship had been with someone else - so I guess I regret HER, not the relationship.

BUT BUT BUT I learned something whilst almost crying! Making friendship bracelets is the cure for depression!

SERIOUSLY making a friendship bracelet takes just enough brain power that you can listen to music or something but not formulate your own thoughts. NO MORE OBSESSING.

At the rate I'm going, I should start selling these.

not with a bang, but with a casual conversation

I just came out to my mom. Sorta.

The topic of my ex girlfriend came up, but my mom only knew some of the story and I'd referred to her as my friend. So I told her that we were together for a bit. My mom was totally cool.

I've heard such horror stories of kids coming out to their parents, but this was the lowest key version I've ever heard of. It was good. We aren't at the point where I think I could go around pointing hot women on the tv, but it's a good start.

My dad still doesn't know, but he doesn't really ask. I think my dad is happy with me not dating anyone, me being his daughter and him being a protective papa bear. He also tends to see things in black and white, so I'd like my sexuality to be a little less fluid and more decided before I say anything to him.

Although I'm sure my mom will mention it to him when I'm not around and she's had a few glasses of wine. That's probably for the best, he'll have time to process before talking to me.