You guys, whoa.
This last school year has been an interesting journey. I discovered myself, only to have my new found identity strained to nearly breaking.
First, I'd like to ask the universe: why? and then also WHY? and finally THE FUCK?
Why do people feel compelled to tell me their inner most secrets upon meeting me? What about me says that a. I want to know and b. I'm equipped to handle that information? I've always been that person that people confide in, but this is more than just relationship advice. I've heard more stories about abuse, sexual assault, bullying, suicide attempts, depression, and self harm than I can handle. I'm considering getting a degree in psychology just for self preservation.
I am so grateful that I matured late. I didn't date in high school and didn't have sex until I was mature. I'm not religious or even believe that sex should only be between people that love each other. I'm very sex positive. I just didn't have the interest when I was younger.
Anywho, that's a little off topic. Over this last several months. I went from having my one girl, the only person I had ever dated, like liked, and slept with, to many girls (and guys).
Chapter 1: Kat
If you've read my previous entries, then you know all about Kat. THAT only got weirder.
Guess that's as good as anywhere to start: So I left off with the two of us not talking and things were awkward. That's about how they've stayed, with a few minor differences.
Several months after that famed night of debauchery, during a period that her and the gf, Maxie, were broken up, Maxie asked me out, oblivious that Kat and even knew each other. I said ok. We exchanged numbers. There was texting. Then there was silence. Found out later that Maxie had found out that Kat and I had 'history' (although I'd hardly call it that).
That didn't bother me so much, seemed pretty reasonable actually. The annoying bit was that shortly there after, Kat decided she wanted me on her hook #howimetyourmother.
A friend of mine started a queer pubcrawl and Kat was one of the regular attendees. Sidenote: Maxie and Kat are back together at this point. Anywho, Kat and I barely speak. We were never able to converse easily; we have nothing in common except physical attraction. BUT, without fail, the end of every crawl she would give me a very intimate hug and leave her hand on my lower back for several seconds - very clearly saying to me 'I want you' or, as I suspect, 'I want you to want me.'
Meanwhile, the rare occasions I run into the pair of them, Maxie makes a point of avoiding my gaze and eating Kat's face emphatically.
Two thoughts: 1. Really? That was 8 months ago and 2. Awesome.. (sarcasm sign) #bigbangtheory
So that's that.
Chapter 2: Jon
Jon wasn't anyone I dated. He's a friend of mine who gave me some very wise words when I really needed them. Jon is also who I go to when I need to stop thinking about something. Two nights, in particular, come to mind.
Around the time of my last post, Jon and I spent the evening smoking weed and listening to Hadestown (very cool album btw). That night resulted in the loss of my gold star.
I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, in the way I'd enjoyed being with my ex, but he was certainly talented.
About two months later, on the anniversary of my first date with my ex, I called him looking to get drunk and not think about it. Jon had a gf at the time so even though I drove over an hour at 10 at night to go see him, I didn't expect there to be any sexercising.
It's hard, though, to resist that urge. Despite me being with gay and him having a gf, when you're cross-faded and you're with someone you know and have already had sex with, it's comfortable and easy.
So that happened. At that point, my two attempts at 'dating' (if you can call it that) since my breakup had been as the other woman.
To this day, Jon and I have never spoken of that night again.
The year was off to a banger start.
Chapter 3: Hana and Adrianna - the single girls with boyfriends club
I have a strong appeal to straight girls, particularly those that have boyfriends. I've had many many girls come up to me and ask for tips on eating out that they can then relay to their boyfriends (I tell them to go buy the 'Lesbian Sex Handbook' and send them on their way). Is this normal? I've heard of straight girls hitting on lesbians when drunk but I get that question a lot.
I harbored pretty nasty crushes on two girls in particular.
I liked Hana because of her confidence. She rocked pink hair when I met her, was in really good shape, and had a delicious edge I hadn't seen before. I thought for sure she was gay, but no. Didn't stop her from tormenting me for months, oy.
My delusion of her maybe one day wanting to be with me shattered today, actually. For no apparent reason, she went out of her way to avoid seeing me. I would expect that from Maxie, but Hana? My friend Ellie and I laughed as we watched her walk a hundred feet out of her way to avoid crossing my path, and to eventually settle maybe 25 ft away. Bizarre.
Adrianna is a very different story. I think she was genuinely into me. At least briefly. She's another one of those girls who unfolded her life's horrors to me in the infancy of our friendship. The more I learned, the more I realized that she had suffered just as my ex had, except Adrianna didn't have the benefit of intelligence to work through it. Luckily, she had a heart of gold. Spending time with her was wonderful, we flirted and cuddled, laying out on the grass listening to music, smoking... But she wasn't interested in more, and I knew that. I had also learned my lesson with regards to crazy... don't go there.
Chapter 4: Can I have your number?
I have gotten much better at making friends and getting dates. I love that I get to ask! I love the control of knowing how and when things are going to happen or not.
In the last two weeks, I've gotten 5 numbers and two were very interesting, plus one harsh rejection.
#1. Andy and I met at QSU. She's cute, was clearly into me, so I thought what the hell? We got to talking after a meeting one day and ventured over the quad where Take Back the Night was occurring. (note to self: horrible place to have a first conversation)
For those of you unawares, Take Back the Night is an event to bring attention to female harassment, sexual or otherwise. They talk a lot about rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and other crimes against women. My first conversation with Andy included her revealing to me that she'd been assaulted. The universe, guys..
That aside, my feelings for Andy are nil. Conversation is labored. I don't feel physically drawn to her, even though she is cute. So I find myself in the situation of having to break it off with her for no other reason than I'm just not feeling it. I haven't spoken to her in a few days, so she may think I'm ignoring her. I do intend to talk to her; I don't want to be one of those people that just goes radio silent until the other person gets the hint. That sucks.
I walked over. The instant our eyes locked, she gave me a look of pure disdain, like I was offending her by matching her gaze. I knew it was going to suck but I persevered. I said hi, she said hi. I said that I feel like I see her around a lot and asked if we had a class together. She said she wasn't a student. Each word, loathing. I offered my hand and introduced myself.
She thought about it. She legitimately considered ignoring the most basic of introductions, the most basic common decency. She looked at my hand, then away, then finally shook my hand and said her name was Katrina. Of course it was. So I turned and left. Didn't say bye or see ya or nice to meet you. just left. I was blown away.
#2. This second number is the one that sparked this post. The one that's thrown me for a complete loop. James, a guy - a really good looking guy, works at one of my favorite sandwich places. We'd run into each other before out at bars, so I knew his name and whatnot but we weren't familiar.
I walked into the shop on a Wednesday in a baggy sweatshirt, no makeup, jeans covered in dirt, and all-in-all a complete mess. He asked for my number. Made my day.
This last Saturday, he ended up joining a few friends and me at the bars by coincidence and I offered him a ride home since it was late. We ended up sitting in my car for hours just talking. It was so easy. So comfortable. He knew all the words to my favorite songs. Mentioned my favorite movie before I did. We talked about our problems with ease. Normally, my first instinct is to lie. Hide the truth about who I am. But I didn't feel the need to, didn't even occur to me.
But I'm gay. Or at least that was the conclusion I came to recently. But here's this guy who's my perfect match. It would be so easy to be with him. Despite my orientation, I wouldn't hesitate for a second.
The universe, though, likes to fuck with me.
He has a gf. A gf he wants to break up with, but he can't right now because they live together and the lease isn't up until September, at which time they're moving in with other friends. He was so clearly frustrated. Not wanting to hurt her by breaking up and then still being around. I am not one that falls games and acts - I could tell he was sincere.
That left both of us. Honor bound. Incapable of acting.
There's no way for it to work. To even try. To see how I really feel about it.
Still. I've only spent a few hours with him, and yet I feel like I've known him my whole life.
How am I supposed to ignore that?
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