comment on Effing Dykes

This is a comment I left on the new post on Effing Dykes. This post was actually a response to a question I submitted. I've also learned quite a bit since I sent this question and I don't want it to get lost in the 100+ comments Krista always gets so I'm reposting my comment below.

Thank you for writing this post Krista, could not have come at a better time.

I think the question had far less to do with applying hetero rules to lesbians and much more to do with how much pain can be caused if a friend starts dating your ex and doesn't handle it appropriately. This happened to me. It hurt like shit.

It wasn't because he (the friend) was dating my ex gf, although i didn't like it. What really hurt was how soon it happened after the break up and how poorly they handled telling me (they didn't handle it). Instead of talking to me and saying 'this is what we're doing,' which many of you have mentioned as a reasonable course of action (I completely agree), they just started hooking up at a party, on the dance floor, when I was five feet away a month after my break up to her. Not only that, she was my first gf and he was the friend I'd confided in about the feelings I still had for her, that I was having trouble letting her go.

So, I understand that the dating pool is small. Dating friends happens. I am not angry at either of them for dating each other. I would never begrudge a person their happiness because I dont like what they're doing, especially since it has nothing really to do with me. Never once did I tell them 'you can't see each other,' I only ever asked them to keep it away from me (which they didn't).

I wish I could put this next part in bold because it is very important, and actually a conversation I just had this evening. A relationship should never define your happiness. It should not be the cause of your happiness. A person is never the fix to a problem. Your soulmate is not someone who should fill a gap in your heart. A relationship should only ever, and can only ever, make your life potentially better and happier, but it is your responsibility to make yourself happy and be a complete person on your own.

So as the person who's ex is now dating one of my good friends, I don't care what they do. I don't care if they break up, if they fall in love, or if it simply doesn't work and they part ways or stay together for 40 years. SHE was not the reason for my happiness during the relationship, and the two of them have no influence on it now. Only I can do that for myself.

That being said, the way they handled it was very disrespectful and inappropriate and that is why I am no longer friends with either of them. I am not angry at them for their relationship, I am angry because of how shitty they treated their respective relationships with me. I think THAT is the necessary evolution we can achieve, respect for our friendships over some inflexible, unpractical rule.